Choice

I have a crush on my chemistry TA. Not too surprising, people tend to find the whole teacher/student thing a little erotic. Her name is Gene. Ok – now I have your attention. I have struggled with writing about this particular development. I am not coming out of the closet. I happen to find men very, shall we say, provocative. I have a rule. Breasts on any gender are a deal breaker but this girl is as flat as a 15 adolescent boy. Supremely confident and funny. She could be a male model without the fake bravado and weight obsession. A slightly spicy cologne blends with the way she fills her allotted space. What to do? Nothing. This is a unique circumstance and now like any self-respecting introvert and slightly socially awkward English major I will take this opportunity to figure out what this means and what I can give to others at the end of the road.

1. I live in Portland. The land of men in skinny jeans – whose fashion heroes could possibly be Wheezer or the Cure. Doesn’t inspire lust in this girl or even fascination. I am all for nerds. But as I age I want confidence not grande, half caff., skinny latte sipping conversations that will throw me back to the days of watching George Fox students having DTR’s ( for the laymen – that is determine the relationship). I would rather have the DT’s than ever have a DTR. A good relationship can be determined half way through your second shot of Jameson and it usually involves two words and simple reflection on exactly what the other person has said and done. Because as my daddy says, “talk is cheap.”

2. A man I know once told me that we dated each other because, “We like ourselves and we are so much alike.” Am I this fucking narcissistic? I could be. Gene is hard core – a marathon runner and has her B.A. in English as well. She owns a collection of belt buckles and the best short shaggy hair I have ever seen on a girl. She rocks cowboy boots and black carpenter pants. It could be her freedom from convention? At points I wish the little voice in my head would shut up. My best Navy buddy once told me, “Cameron everyone but you did the dumb stuff when they were young.” Sometime I wonder if it is ever going to be my turn and other days I am thankful that I have never been thrown off that merry –go – round.

3. What about my faith? There are so many arguments for everything. No matter what you want you can find justification. But as a Literature Professor told me, “I go by percentages. If I am 56 percent positive that something is true, I will stick with it. I will hold it until I can no longer.” There are only five things in my life that I know. The first is that a man I can not feel or see will love me till my last day ends and I can see him.

I just know I am not traveling down that road. I am gathering bits and pieces lately. Just because you have an impulse does not mean that impulse defines you. We are as they say a sum of our choices.