Conclusions

My cell met with a tragic accident. It fell from my nightstand. This should not be a problem. However - I think they quit making my phone model five years ago. So this tumble from the night table was the equivalent of a 95 year old man falling down five flights of stairs. Hip replacement surgery is not an option. Immediate disposal was all that was left. This gave me a lot of quiet time to think and I have reached some conclusions:

1. I should not be allowed to sit around and think. It is hazardous to every relationship I have ever had.
2. There is a bush outside my window with magenta flowers and it bothers me. I know the names and some of the medical properties of many of the flora in Alaska. Here - I am a complete dunce.
3. I have a very pretty voice. When no one is listening.
4. Miranda Lambert is my soul mate. (Which is problematic).
5. I am twenty-six. Four years away from my sexual peak. So the irony is - I need to get busy. In every sense of the word. But I am too old to think that having someone shove their tongue down my throat will do anything but leave me one shovel full deeper – with no way out.
6. In one month (to the day) I will be a bridesmaid for the sixth time. This is five times too many.
7. I have decided to buy a cruiser the day after I graduate from Op school. I have this vision of me, a bike, the Pacific, and eventually the Atlantic.
8. People often have ulterior motives and I can spend days trying to figure them out.
9. Life should have a pregnancy test. Will I get this job? If I spend one more hour studying, will I get a B+ instead of a B minus? Will the blonde in front of me over react if I tell her that she laughs like a wounded hyena? Is he lying to me by proxy? (Otherwise known as lying to himself and therefore lying to me by default.) Or does he truly love me? Damitt! Is that a pink or blue stripe?
10. I have never been so comfortable in my own skin yet some days I feel like my arteries and veins are threatening to go on strike and take my lower intestine with them.
11. I have finally been told that I am the coolest person that my friend knows. Success! Or complete failure.
12. She did add that I have always seemed like myself. That I don’t hide. Obviously she hasn’t gone to a slasher flick with me. I tend to crawl behind the back of the person to my right of left.
13. Trouble should be spelled C-A-M-E-R-O-N. And you boys thought you were the only ones with terrible lines.
14. Romance is dead. But thank God that alcohol is still around.
15. We all have secrets. Mine involve - jogging, a deserted piece of road and tea.
16. Did Matt really have a small pet sensor put under my skin so he could find me anywhere? The jury is still out on that one.
17. I will be asked to dance in the woods one day.
18. No one will ever be able to top the line, “I just forgot how you were.”
19. How do old men think that it is appropriate to call me “kinky” after learning that I have put duct tape on bare skin? So “f”ing what! I could be your daughter!
20. It is always about you. “Maybe then at least I will look ok when you write about me.”
21. Suffering may be the catalyst for great art. My art just needs no other form of communication to get rolling.
22. I don’t know why I blog. No one reads it. Or at least they don’t comment. Maybe it is my own form of bulimia. Therapeutic typed vomiting.
23. Third Eye Blind is my favorite band.
24. I will give you an eye exam one day and make horribly inappropriate comments about what you are wearing.
25. I don’t like mushrooms. Deal with it.
26. I am a sucker for flowers. I would let a serial killer into my apartment if he brought me the right bouquet.
27. My cousin, Jess, and I have the same sick sense of humor. Hopefully it is genetic.
28. Scott might be one of the bravest men I know.
29. I love my parents.
30. I miss you. Everyday.